What happens to Parents and the Family?
Teens are in crisis in this nation. We hear it daily and read of the related outcomes that break our hearts. There’s no question that COVID exacerbated this problem, but the levels of addiction, depression and anxiety have been rising among teens for well over a decade. Yes, social media/screens/gaming are in part, maybe is even in large part, to “blame.” The truth is we have been headed toward this full on catastrophe for a long time.
In a quiet, significant way, our society has been leading us down a path of disconnection over decades, not years. Think about the way we now live; what we’ve come to consider normal in our culture. We no longer have neighborhood stores where we knew the butcher, the stocker, the cashier and the baggers. We could count on a personalized hello and questions about how our kids were doing. Now, we shop in huge chains with the ecoming and going. When we do get to know someone where we shop it feels like an anomaly rather than the norm. Sadly, this same example pervades the rest of our daily lives as well now.
Neighborhoods barely resemble what we used to call neighborhoods; kids don’t go outside to play and parents don’t hang their laundry and talk over the fence. Families don’t live in the same neighborhoods for generations anymore with at most a few blocks between one another. In fact, they likely don’t even live in the same states. We have cultivated a life that ensures we can maintain our privacy, but also our isolation. This leaves youth feeling less anchored, with less of a sense of belonging than we once had, where kids in neighborhood ran outside each day to play This means that the parents, too, are less connected and feel less anchored in their communities for the most part. And our youth are the barometers for our “uncommunity-ing” experience.
The world is unrecognizable to many of us. The milestones that signify the life passages into pre-teen and teen years, such as first dances, first kisses, first dates and getting a license have morphed into such a different universe that it’s hard to imagine how our vulnerable youth cope at all. In addition, the pressure on teens to achieve and be the “best” is overwhelming. In an isidious way, the cutting back of school programs for sports and music have added to the pressure as kids now spend hours every week after school attending practices and rehearsals and then much of their weekends at games and events. Where is the down time? Are we really surprised that our kids are exploding into addiction and mental health crises in front of our eyes?
Rather than offering just the “What should the family do?” information, I wanted to offer the context of the larger society because without it, it’s easy to look at your own teen as the one acting out; the bad seed, or the broken person. That is hardly helpful when you are in the midst of the struggle to make sense of what happened to the sweet, loving, adorable child you knew only a very few years ago, the one who now is failing classes, cutting school, acting out, sneaking out and treating you like you are a monster.
Naturally, we want to be there for all our kids. We want to support them and help them. But we’re on our proverbial last leg with barely the capacity to think in full sentences let alone figure out how to save our drowning teen who is now stealing from us, sneaking out at night, getting suspended, getting arrested and possibly even getting hospitalized. Meanwhile, our other children are feeling neglected or sidelined. “I do everything I’m supposed to; I am doing well in school and in life. But you don’t even notice me. You never have time for me. Maybe I should start coming home drunk, too”
We. Can’t. Do. This. Anymore.
Here’s the thing. Most parents don’t have any idea how to deal with addiction and depression. We have the beliefs about them we’ve always held (unless we have experienced these things ourselves.) and we keep trying to approach our sons and daughters from those understandings. We do the best we can and then feel powerless and helpless to impact the outcome. So, let’s begin with some important facts.
Addiction, depression and anxiety aren’t behaviors. They are illnesses. They start out as coping methods, despite their being unhealthy and ineffective responses to stress. One of the biggest stressors is wanting — no longing -to belong. Sadly, they then become out of control situations that can only get better when the individual experiencing them accepts that they need help. That’s it. Simple, right? No. Not even a little bit.
“So, then, what do I do?” you ask. I’d be willing to bet the initial answer isn’t what you think. It isn’t to set stronger boundaries, or love them harder, or take them some other place you haven’t heard of yet that will be the miracle answer.
No. What you do is you start to take care of yourself. You start to read (there will be a suggested reading list at the end of this article, with many of books available in an audio book format.) You listen to experts you find in those books as they give lectures/talks on YouTube or TED talks or podcasts. You find other parents going through the same thing and start building connection, a network, support, and resources. You look at your family of origin for other people who have been addicts/alcoholics (the same thing) or had mental health issues throughout the generations, so that you can understand part of the source of your child’s problem. Look under rocks, too, not just at the “story” that’s always been told about the family. Families work hard to hide, soft pedal and use euphemism instead of honesty when describing addiction in the system. “Oh, Uncle John was such a character.” “Grandma liked a little brandy in the evening.” And of course, look on both sides of the family.
Think back to people in your family you used to think of, or heard about, as “grumpy” or “bitter” and ask yourself if, in fact, they too might have been depressed and/or anxious during a time when people just didn’t talk about those things and there was no permission to acknowledge being unable to function, unable to move forward. You are likely going to find that your teen isn’t the first one in the family to have experienced these things. They may be acting it out in more pronounced and painful ways, but perhaps you could begin to see this as a call to action for the family as a whole. There is no question that these issues don’t represent an individual’s problem; addiction and mental health issues signal a “family dis-ease.” The first meaning inherent in this phrase is that when one person in the family is experiencing addiction and mental health crises, the whole family is impacted and needs help. The second is that with very (very) few exceptions, your teen is not the first person in the family throughout the generations to have fallen prey to these issues: please allow this to be a call to exploration, honesty and much deeper awareness and healing. Without a doubt, this will be an opportunity to see things through new eyes, feel things with a more accepting heart and offer your child the awareness that it is not their fault!
Most importantly though, get support and help. Al-Anon (12 Step program for family members of alcoholics/addicts has meetings most days of the week in most places, and there are special meetings just for parents of young people. Or Co-Dependents Anonymous. While following the same foremat and concepts as AA, NA and Al-Anon, there is more context and support for the dis-ease that is Co-Dependency. There are in person and Zoom meetings nationwide.
If you are in a larger metropolitan area, look for a local or online support group for parents of teens/young adults who are struggling with addiction and/or mental health issues. Find other parents experiencing the same thing and support each other in supporting your kids, as well as supporting each other to hold firm but loving boundaries. Look around, ask people, check with schools and churches — see if any professionals in your community might have groups that offer both education and emotional support. In other words, don’t try to or believe you “should be able to” do this alone!
The journey isn’t easy. Not at all. In fact that may be one of the greatest understatements ever put to paper. But you’re already on the path, so finding sanctuary as you walk it, growing and creating new approaches, consciousness, community and hope is a much better direction than day in day out hopelessness and rage. Choose hope and healing for yourself. Those things may well create the very light that brightens the path for your child. And even if the path eludes your child for now, it will definitely save you.
#AddictionAwareness #TeenAddiction #MentalHealthJourney
#ParentingChallenges #FamilyHealing
RESOURCES
Beattie, Melody. (1992). Codependent No More : How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself. [Center City, MN] :Hazelden Press
Black, Claudia. (1982) It Will Never Happen to Me. Central Recovery Press
Bradshaw, John. (1988) Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Self-Esteem Simon & Schuster
Hari, Johann (2022) Stolen Focus: Why You Can’t Pay Attention. Crown Publishing
Hari, Johann. (2015) TEDTalk Everything You Think You Know About Addiction is Wrong https://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_everything_you_think_you_know_about_addiction_is_wrong?language=en
Mate’, Gabor. (2010) In the Realm of the Hungry Ghosts North Atlantic Books Publishing
Price, Catherine. (2018). How to Break Up With Your Phone Ten Speed Press, Berkeley, CA
Wilson-Schaef, Anne (1987) When Society Becomes an Addict Harper, Publishers
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