Most of us begin our healing journeys because we are in pain. We’re overwhelmed. Our lives aren’t working.

For too long we have spent time blaming ourselves and believing that it is our fault somehow that our relationships are painful or unhealthy or unsuccessful — or all of the above. Too often our work lives have been unsatisfactory in some way — we feel unable to function in traditional work environments, or we can’t keep a job, or we can’t function well enough in our lives to show up as we must to do our best on the job. And far too often, we look around at the world and feel as though everyone else is able to manage their lives and achieve happiness and contentment but we don’t have access to the play book.

We may have sought out chemicals, in the form or drugs like alcohol or cocaine or opiates etc. or we may pursue behavioral addictions, like workaholism or sex, or gambling. Or, we may keep finding people who are unavailable because they are so entrenched in their addictions and we dedicate our lives to rescuing them. Whatever our path, we finally hit a point where our bodies, or our minds, or our emotions — or all of the above — say: ENOUGH and we fall apart.

If we are lucky, our past finally catches up with us and the survival strategies we have utilized stop working. Whether we have this realization at 25, 35, 45 or even 75, it leads us to embark on what has often been called “the hero’s journey.” Indeed we are heroes, at least of our own stories, as it takes real courage to face our pain, acknowledge the survival strategies we have adapted to cope with our histories throughout our lives, and begin the arduous journey toward fully grieving, breaking down the unhealthy patterns and behaviors, and rebuilding our lives from the ground up.

In many circles today, this is talked about as coming face to face with our trauma and making the courageous choice to heal. And like the quote above from Gabor Mate’, we will often finally realize that the patterns, behaviors, choices, experiences and upheavals that have dominated our lives are Not Our Fault.

But our healing and the changes needed to improve our well-being and lives are our responsibility. Yep. It sucks. But it is true. And with patience and perseverance, we will find the resources and paths that feel right for us, whether therapy, books, 12-Step programs, a spiritual community, body work, or all of the above.

The good news is that once we begin the work we will also begin to notice that a sense of spaciousness or freedom starts to creep into our hearts and minds. We learn and practice new tools that change our outlook and inner experience, and those things begin to impact our outcomes and relationships. In other words, we heal our minds (the how and the steps are different for different people, but we will talk about that in other articles) and in so doing, we contribute to healing the world. As soon as we take responsibility for our own thinking and thereby the words and behaviors that arise from our new mental patterns, we contribute to better relationships, better outcomes and as a result, a better world. Go US!